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I have removed the original content of this post, although I still love this frog and it’s sentiment, so that will stay. The original post was about how I went over to my Trump-loving neighbors’ house the day he won the election. I wrote how I was guided by a philosophy I truly believe in, the words of writer, activist and lawyer Valarie Kaur in her book See No Stranger: “You are a part of me I do not yet know”. These words to me are a powerful reminder that even our supposed "opponents" are simply fellow humans, and with a little bit of wonder we can find a thread connecting us, no matter how tenuous it may be. It does not mean we come to agree with one another (although it can), it simply means that we can SEE one another as people living within a set of circumstances that leads to the choices we each make.
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I was and am filled with rage about who could in their right mind vote for this dangerous, despicable man. But it was with curiosity I went to see the neighbors at our meet up on Nov 6 because I genuinely wanted to know if we could bridge our political divide in this heated, fraught moment. In that original blog post I somewhat glowingly explained that we did. I explained how my hesitation was overridden by the realization that they are simply people too. I wrote that we saw one another and remained friendly in spite of our differing beliefs. My neighbor even texted me the next day saying she had ordered See No Stranger and was interested in learning something new.
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After I shared the blog it was brought to my attention through an intense, uncomfortable, and eye opening exchange with someone on Instagram that this narrative and my own perspectives needed re-thinking. That my post could actually be harmful, rather than hopeful like I intended. Here is a snippet of what she wrote to me, and it is the crux of what I took away from the conversation, although there was so much else: “You have chosen to stand by. To be likeable. To be nice. And you’ve done so at the expense of millions of others. You rather maintain relationships with genuinely bad people than stand firm with those who will be fully harmed. People are fearing for their literal lives and you wrote a blog post about how good your neighbors are…These are the kind of people who hate everyone except ‘the good ones’. But they don’t necessarily hate by outward shows of racial slurs etc, but rather by abuse of power.”
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I was figuratively punched in the gut and my stomach has been twisted with worry during and since this conversation. Take breath. I am taking a breath. While I do not subscribe to the black and white thinking that those sentences convey, I see and feel this woman’s point viscerally (there were many more points made as well.) I tried to put myself in her shoes to see where her vehement replies were coming from. And I got it. I get it. If you are struggling with or feel defensive in response to her words, think of it this way. Imagine if your status in the U.S. were precarious and you were at risk of deportation and being separated from your family and how terrifying that would be. Anyone who voted for Trump voted for his deportation policy and essentially condones your deportation. In that vein, associating with anyone who voted this way, in her perspective, is harmful, no ifs ands or buts. While she and I differ in some profound ways, here is what I want to say and what she helped me realize:
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Millions of people are perceiving Trump and his supporters as unsafe. That is REAL. His administration will do terrible things to humans and the planet alike. And here I was, breezing in with this light-hearted story of how I did a kumbaya thing in a moment of terror and rage for half the country. I told this story of my hang with the neighbors and in the process bypassed the grief and fury of the people who genuinely fear for their lives and what is to come under Trump. In that post I flaunted how I went from “well that sucks” to pretty immediately “I’m going to try to get along with people who think differently,” which was a disservice and insensitive to many, some of my own dear friends included. That action speaks to my privilege and shortsightedness. I am so sorry.
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I am also worried that the original message in the post gave permission to normalize the hate, racism and selfishness that fuels some people’s reasons to support Trump. I am worried it encouraged many of you to give a pass to the Trump voters in your life (as I did to my neighbors) and move on when what this moment really should do is encourage us to double down on our solidarity with those who are most marginalized and will face even worse oppression and persecution in a Trump administration. I am figuring out what that means for me. I am here for you if you want to figure that out together. Let’s talk.
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Looking back I was too hasty. It is too tender a time to make light of the situation. Again I am deeply sorry for anyone who was uncomfortable and didn’t feel like they could tell me this. My neighbors are problematic in ways more than just how they vote. AND they are people I choose to get along with because I live next to them and I will not stand to live day in and day out in a toxic environment by creating conflict with them. We have to interact with people of all kinds. I acknowledge this stance comes from my own solid sense of safety in my daily life due to my white-passing privilege, white husband and middle class status. Also I truly understand that my choice to maintain a relationship with these neighbors instead of cutting them off is NOT fit for everyone. Due to the reality of racism and violence many BIPOC and LGBTQIA+ people face, choosing whatever actions seem most safe absolutely makes sense, including severing all ties to those who might be harmful.
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We all have different roles to play. I will continue to look at others with curiosity. “You are a part of me I do not yet know”. I fundamentally believe that the little actions we take to connect with others across differences is meaningful. We just need to be aware if that happens at the expense of those who really do need our solidarity. We need to ask: Are we playing it nice and unwittingly bolstering those (like my neighbors) who uphold the power status quo rather than using our privilege to protect those who will be harmed?
12 comments
Thank you. I love the quote and hopefulness that this brings. It is a time of spiritual uprising, a time for women’s voices to be heard, maybe the election outcome will bring us to create community in many more facets. Your neighbors voted that way, my own adult children did, both men. Raised to follow their own path, I guess. I’m grateful to be in Tucson surrounded by a lot of like minded people. My friend in a small town in PA is having a very rough time. I appreciate you and the foggy image! Namaste, Cat
Thanks for that Erika. There are ways to coexist with our differences. There are limits to things as well. There in lies a gray area. If we are vigilant and open, we can find common ground and with it respect for one another.