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I have removed the original content of this post, although I still love this frog and it’s sentiment, so that will stay. The original post was about how I went over to my Trump-loving neighbors’ house the day he won the election. I wrote how I was guided by a philosophy I truly believe in, the words of writer, activist and lawyer Valarie Kaur in her book See No Stranger: “You are a part of me I do not yet know”. These words to me are a powerful reminder that even our supposed "opponents" are simply fellow humans, and with a little bit of wonder we can find a thread connecting us, no matter how tenuous it may be. It does not mean we come to agree with one another (although it can), it simply means that we can SEE one another as people living within a set of circumstances that leads to the choices we each make.
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I was and am filled with rage about who could in their right mind vote for this dangerous, despicable man. But it was with curiosity I went to see the neighbors at our meet up on Nov 6 because I genuinely wanted to know if we could bridge our political divide in this heated, fraught moment. In that original blog post I somewhat glowingly explained that we did. I explained how my hesitation was overridden by the realization that they are simply people too. I wrote that we saw one another and remained friendly in spite of our differing beliefs. My neighbor even texted me the next day saying she had ordered See No Stranger and was interested in learning something new.
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After I shared the blog it was brought to my attention through an intense, uncomfortable, and eye opening exchange with someone on Instagram that this narrative and my own perspectives needed re-thinking. That my post could actually be harmful, rather than hopeful like I intended. Here is a snippet of what she wrote to me, and it is the crux of what I took away from the conversation, although there was so much else: “You have chosen to stand by. To be likeable. To be nice. And you’ve done so at the expense of millions of others. You rather maintain relationships with genuinely bad people than stand firm with those who will be fully harmed. People are fearing for their literal lives and you wrote a blog post about how good your neighbors are…These are the kind of people who hate everyone except ‘the good ones’. But they don’t necessarily hate by outward shows of racial slurs etc, but rather by abuse of power.”
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I was figuratively punched in the gut and my stomach has been twisted with worry during and since this conversation. Take breath. I am taking a breath. While I do not subscribe to the black and white thinking that those sentences convey, I see and feel this woman’s point viscerally (there were many more points made as well.) I tried to put myself in her shoes to see where her vehement replies were coming from. And I got it. I get it. If you are struggling with or feel defensive in response to her words, think of it this way. Imagine if your status in the U.S. were precarious and you were at risk of deportation and being separated from your family and how terrifying that would be. Anyone who voted for Trump voted for his deportation policy and essentially condones your deportation. In that vein, associating with anyone who voted this way, in her perspective, is harmful, no ifs ands or buts. While she and I differ in some profound ways, here is what I want to say and what she helped me realize:
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Millions of people are perceiving Trump and his supporters as unsafe. That is REAL. His administration will do terrible things to humans and the planet alike. And here I was, breezing in with this light-hearted story of how I did a kumbaya thing in a moment of terror and rage for half the country. I told this story of my hang with the neighbors and in the process bypassed the grief and fury of the people who genuinely fear for their lives and what is to come under Trump. In that post I flaunted how I went from “well that sucks” to pretty immediately “I’m going to try to get along with people who think differently,” which was a disservice and insensitive to many, some of my own dear friends included. That action speaks to my privilege and shortsightedness. I am so sorry.
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I am also worried that the original message in the post gave permission to normalize the hate, racism and selfishness that fuels some people’s reasons to support Trump. I am worried it encouraged many of you to give a pass to the Trump voters in your life (as I did to my neighbors) and move on when what this moment really should do is encourage us to double down on our solidarity with those who are most marginalized and will face even worse oppression and persecution in a Trump administration. I am figuring out what that means for me. I am here for you if you want to figure that out together. Let’s talk.
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Looking back I was too hasty. It is too tender a time to make light of the situation. Again I am deeply sorry for anyone who was uncomfortable and didn’t feel like they could tell me this. My neighbors are problematic in ways more than just how they vote. AND they are people I choose to get along with because I live next to them and I will not stand to live day in and day out in a toxic environment by creating conflict with them. We have to interact with people of all kinds. I acknowledge this stance comes from my own solid sense of safety in my daily life due to my white-passing privilege, white husband and middle class status. Also I truly understand that my choice to maintain a relationship with these neighbors instead of cutting them off is NOT fit for everyone. Due to the reality of racism and violence many BIPOC and LGBTQIA+ people face, choosing whatever actions seem most safe absolutely makes sense, including severing all ties to those who might be harmful.
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We all have different roles to play. I will continue to look at others with curiosity. “You are a part of me I do not yet know”. I fundamentally believe that the little actions we take to connect with others across differences is meaningful. We just need to be aware if that happens at the expense of those who really do need our solidarity. We need to ask: Are we playing it nice and unwittingly bolstering those (like my neighbors) who uphold the power status quo rather than using our privilege to protect those who will be harmed?
12 comments
Nicely written. Here in California we have a dictator named Newsom. He is doing his best to impoverish the population with ever higher taxes. Our legislature is loath to defy him and goes along with almost everything he demands. The latest is his high anxiety over gasoline taxes now about to go up at least $.65 a gallon and possibly higher. He wants these taxes so badly he can taste it. Imagine a low income family that cannot afford this increase and needs an automobile to get to work every day. The democrats have a lock on the legislature. I hope that will change on the next election. We are way out of balance here in California. That needs to change.
We have to be sensitive ,open ,curious and kind now more than ever . Don’t let anyone shame you for loving your neighbor that is the way forward.
Erika, your response here is interesting. I have to be honest … when I read your first post about the neighbors, I felt that I had to forgive you, so to speak, because you’ve
moved to such a rural area and every neighbor could mean the difference between life or death. And I thought I
should be a bigger person, at least try to be forgiving, at least of my immediate family members, who voted against us. But I can’t. So I ordered the book you recommended, because I desperately want to be open- hearted. So I admire your open heart, your response to the reactions to your post, and your immense talents in expressing yourself.
You are such a thoughtful and loving example of how being flexible and willing to listen and absorb new info and other perspectives leads to continuous growth. Your writing is beautiful. This piece is spot on with how I feel. These are complex times and we all have our own circumstances. Of course you will do what you can to maintain peace with your neighbors..you have fewer neighbors than most and in the times to come..being on good terms with neighbors is potentially paramount.
I believe that sitting at the table with Trump voters in your situation is valuable. You and they bring to the table shared past experiences. You know each other. I am sure that yes, you are one of the rare “good ones” in their eyes. I also know that being a “good one” and allowed to show your true self is increasingly getting harder with the walls developing between us all. I can only hope that in your neighbors situation the good interactions with you and others that see Trump and his people for all of the danger they present will prevent them from becoming more radicalized in their beliefs.
The majority voted for Trump. As of right now I have little hope that true majority of them will be able to stand up when they see how harmful his proposed policies are when they affect real people. Trump has not disguised that cruelty is the point of his intentions. It will be no surprise that his policies do what he says they will.
Humans today are swimming in information and testimony of others experiences happening all over the world. Our brains did not develop with the capacity to handle this well. We read newspapers, watch movies, tv, social media, have long distance calling capabilities, have friends, coworkers, etc. We live longer than we used to and there is photographic evidence of the good and evil happening at all times to all people. No wonder our brains are swimming an often feel like we are on the verge of drowning. I don’t hear about this often but today’s existence is a lot to process. Even the most bleeding-heart people have the ability to shut down the parts of their brain that care about others or care about others more than themselves. It not, I don’t believe we could stand to be alive. We have healthy and unhealthy coping mechanisms both internally and externally that we lean on. Somewhere along the line, the Trump voters have leaned into this excuse. They don’t want anyone else to have a better chance in this life if they felt shortchanged. They don’t want others to have the freedom to direct their own lives if they couldn’t or wouldn’t. It’s scary and foreign to me. Many were handed their citizenship at birth though no goodwill or work or their own yet want to deny it to others based on a few miles. We could go on with examples for every marginalized group they think controlling and changing and conforming to their liking is within their purview. I don’t know what it is like to be a emboldened by a belief in God and a strict, rigid religious moral code. I imagine it is powerful. To be the person in charge of pushing that narrative as in the heads of churches must be intoxicating.
Ok now I’m rambling but voters get the conviction in their candidate choice from all over. Being surrounded at church with friends and family and a message from above that your vote for Trump is ordained could be why we are here. Sooo Remy has been climbing all over me while trying to type this but thank you again for stepping out and writing this and revising this and forcing us to think.
I will take with me the message to dig in deep to support and defend the victims of this new administration. I am still gathering the tools and know-how on how to be most effective. In some cases keeping doors with others open might be it…in other cases it definitely isn’t.
I appreciate your sharing your heartfelt struggle. It helps me feel connected during this difficult time. I too have neighbors that voted for Trump. We live in a very diverse working class neighborhood and I can’t comprehend their choice. I can only surmise their source of information is misinformation. What I understand is the only way forward is to build community with like-minded people so we can be there for each other when they come for us when they try to divide us when they try to take away our rights and attempt to degrade our humanity. There is power in our unity and courage. the weapon of fascism is dividing people against each other. My goal is to stay calm and peaceful and stay in my heart.